My now 18 1/2 year old son has been back home for four months. He was away for twenty-seven long months at three different treatment programs (Wilderness therapy, Residential Treatment Center aka "RTC" and a Step Down Program aka "Boarding School"). We are very happy to have him home, and he is doing well. He has recently taken some big steps forward that I'd like to share.
Welcome to Adulting!
The subtitle of this post might be called: "Time to Get a Job". My son's subtitle might be called: "My Gap Year After High School".
Even before the term "Social Distancing" became a common expression, my son spent much of the last two months working his own version of social distancing, by keeping to himself, in his own room. Yes, I understand that is common for teenagers and young adults, around his age to want their own space. I know I did at his age, but he took it to another level. He became a Social Distance Master! He was ahead of the curve, especially since no one knew it would become an important skill!
Our home contract agreement stated that he either needed to be in school or have a job, when he came home. He worked during the months of October, November and December, at the local Best Buy as a seasonal employee. He like it a lot. His employment was over, just after New Year's, the first week in January. During his first six months of being eighteen, he worked at McDonald's in Utah and at Best Buy in Northern California. Both were excellent "first jobs" with lots of learning opportunities. And he was able to make some money.
In January, he spent time putting together his application for a vocational college in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. He gathered transcripts from his three different high school learning environments and sent them off. He called the school in Canada and asked them questions about the Computer Software Development major he applied to. If it works out, his goal is to begin course work there in September. (With so many things up in the air world wide, we will just have to see how it all plays out!)
In January and February, he made some attempts at finding a job and had a few interviews but none worked out, until this past week. Ironically, when so many people are out of work due to the Coronavirus pandemic, our son is working as a bagger at the local grocery store in town. It is considered an "essential job" and he is following their guidelines about hand washing, keeping hands off his face and the correct social distancing!
His first paycheck has yet to arrive, but he has full time hours and is very busy in his duties. This comes right after another success: he finally took his driver's permit test at an empty DMV a couple weeks ago and PASSED! We celebrated with a dinner at the Melting Pot (when we were still allowed to go out to a restaurant in California). He was proud of himself and very engaged at our meal. He shared funny "memes" on his phone and talked about world events with us that evening. It was really fun!
Next up is signing up for a driving course! Not sure when that will be allowed.
The Definition of "Adulting"
As we welcome our son to his new world of adulting, I looked up the meaning on Dictionary.com.
"Adulting is an informal term to describe behavior that is seen as responsible and grown-up. This behavior often involves meeting the mundane demands of independent and professional living, such as paying bills and running errands."
He has done the following as an eighteen year old, all on his own.
We are very proud of all the adulting steps he has taken. There will be many more to come! One task at a time and one day at a time! There is no substitute for doing it yourself, as the best way to learn how to navigate what lies ahead in the adult world. So far his gap year after high school has included many life skills and lessons! Soon enough he will be grown and flown!
Staying in the moment,
My 18 year old son has been home from treatment since October 1, 2019. Our honeymoon phase lasted about a month, and things started to get a bit tougher for us, as a family. Overall things are still going well, but I have narrowed down our differences into four categories:
We have the continued support of our family therapist (located in Utah), whom we talk to by phone once a week or every other week depending on schedules. My son talks to the same therapist on his own, about once a week. We need our therapist to help sort some of the differences noted above.
One thing we have discovered is that my son does not like discomfort or anything that pushes him, even gentle nudges. As parents, we try to encourage with suggestions about work, higher education, free time and any number of topics, only to be stopped in our tracks with firm resistance.
He believes that his way is the best way to handle a situation. As he looks for new employment (his last job at Best Buy was a seasonal position only that ended in the beginning of January), he is content waiting for them to contact him instead of being the squeaky wheel.
My son has sent an application into a tech vocational school in Canada. He filled it out on his own, asked for all his necessary high school transcripts and sent them in as well. We paid for the modest applications fees. Now he/we play a waiting game. We won't have long, since he wants to enroll in the Spring Term which begins May 6th.
I bet you are saying, "Well all college bound kids wait to hear from the schools they applied to."
That may be true, but he has all his eggs in one basket: Canada or bust. From what I've read online, it seems like a fine school. There is the issue of a study/work permit to get into the country. There is the housing issue near a school that doesn't have dormitories. And truthfully, his girlfriend lives there (okay, he does have motivation!)
Good news, my son has a current passport, which he took care of on his own before visiting his girlfriend last December. At least that piece of the puzzle is taken care of, but the reality is that he has many other things to figure out. And he doesn't want any help from us. That's fine, but it's not going to be as easy as he thinks it will be.
Who is going to pay for what? We have always said we would pay for his education. As our home contract said, he needs to either be working or in school. Our expectation was that one of those two things would be happening right now, but it's not. He has not found a job that suits him, for various reasons. (Starbucks is too hard, other places are too far away, not the right schedule, etc).
He planned on taking a certain amount of money into Canada with him. Right now, without a job, he has no money. We are trying to let natural consequences take over, but his expectations are that we will help him more than we say we will. He needs to have "skin in the game" as they say. He's never been easily motivated, which makes this process so difficult.
We are in the middle of his "self-proclaimed" gap year. Long ago, when he was an early teen, long before he went to Wilderness Therapy and the rest of treatment (RTC and Aftercare), his idea was to take a gap year so he could play video games. We did not agree with this idea and yet, here we are seeing a late teen play Minecraft and do little outside of his room. We have let go of just "how" the adulting will play out and when the actual launching will happen for him. We talk to other parents whose kids also might be less mature, and see that it's not easy. We make no judgments, believe me.
If you are reading this with ideas of what we should do, I applaud you for caring, but our current path is to let this play out organically, without trying to put a square peg into a round hole. In the meantime, we are encouraging, trying to keep him engaged in our lives (not easy for a late teen) and making the most of what is positive.
We are grateful that he is safe and know where he is, even if it's his own room. We are grateful that while things are not perfect, he is not doing drugs. We are happy that he very much cares about his appearance, even when he lets his beard grow. (He did just shave this week, not because we suggested it however!) We are grateful for our friends who listen to our saga and try not to fix it for us or for our son. We are grateful to have grown in the past three years with the help of caring professionals. We are still trying to find balance in our lives with continual self-care and perspective.
The Strength is in the Struggle
That motto comes from our son's residential treatment center (Discovery Ranch for Boys) and it is very true! We will get through this time of different perceptions, realities and expectations, as we continue to learn to let go. We try to remember that this part of life is up to the young adult, not the parent. We've already been 18, 19, 20 years old...... We've already been to college and taken our own missteps. It's up to them now!
We Continue to Love
Our son will hopefully one day see, that we are in his corner and always have been. He wants to do everything himself, except swallow on the very difficult financial pill of what lies ahead for him. He wants to grow up and at the same time, he doesn't want to. Sound familiar? It's not easy out there. So our answer for now is to continue to love him, let him take his time, make his mistakes and see it his way (without the unnecessary "I told you so's").
I follow the stories of many parents in our shoes and I have such empathy for the difficulties that so many families are dealing with. My heart goes out to them and feel blessed that we have come as far as we have. I also know of others who are lucky to have kids that haven't "fallen down and skinned their knees big time". Whichever side you land on, take a moment and count your blessings. Take a look around and know others may be in pain. As I often say, we are all just doing the best we can.
I continue to be a WARRIOR MOM......
It has been two months since our 18 year old son has been back home for good from treatment. It's been great to have him under our roof after twenty-seven months away. We all have been making adjustments to living together again. Not perfect, but rather a work in progress. We have continued with our family therapy calls with his therapist from Utah, by phone. That has been very important and helpful when we need to bring up difficult subjects and clear the air at times. It gives each of us a voice.
Dr. Tim Thayne, author of "Not By Chance: How Parents Boost Their Teen's Success In and After Treatment" says "The choice to place your teen in treatment was the hardest decision you have ever made. And the second hardest decision you will make is to bring him home again.”
Very true indeed. There is so much unknown ahead. We have to focus on what is right in front of us, one day at a time. My son is in his self-proclaimed GAP year, which means he has chosen to get a job and work right now. Our communication has been tough at times, since he is at the age when he is trying to break away from us and that isn't easy honestly, since we finally have him back again. Another way to look at it is, he was away when he should have been home, and he is home when he should be away. A bit of a flip flop for us as parents.
So for today's post, I want to focus on what positive things have been happening for my son in the past six months:
1) Son passed the CHSPE exam (California High School Proficiency Exam) in June and is done with High School. BIG!
2) Son graduated from his step down program at the end of September 2019. Gave a brief, but important speech acknowledging his successes while away at treatment.
3) Son has looked into college, toured one and began application. Took the SAT, but has decided a GAP year is his path currently.
4) We agreed on a contract of boundaries and house rules for his return home. Still a work in progress on implementation of household duties/chores and our expectations, AND his.
5) Son wrote a relapse prevention plan, which was awesome on his part. So far so good.
6) Son applied for a job at Best Buy while in Utah so he could begin work right when he came home. Had interview beginning of October, was hired and has been working, mostly part time. Increased work hours coming slowing, but achieved his first forty hour week at Thanksgiving and Black Friday.
7) Saved some money, spent most of it on paintball equipment and some clothes. Started saving again.
8) Planned a trip to meet a friend in Canada before Christmas and renewed his passport on his own.
9) Bought his own plane ticket, with his own money!
10) Started his own phone account, is now off our plan and took over payments of his iPhone purchased in August. REALLY BIG!
His independence is beginning, maybe not quickly, but it is happening. Next up is the driver's license! When I ask about it, his reply is, "I'm studying." Okay then, there you have it. A lot of good. Most of it slow. He is not the best communicator in the world, but that may not be surprising to those parents out there with boys!
For me, it's been a process of letting go. In an email from a parent support group that I belong to was the most perfect reminder of this difficult concept. I am sharing it with you below (many thanks to my brave, unnamed fellow support group parent)!
TO “LET GO” TAKES LOVE
by author unknown
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,
To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.
My family has come so far, and yet the road ahead is still unknown. We are working on accepting that......
Wishing you Peace and Happiness,
Monday, the last day of September, 2019 will rank as a high point for my son and us as a family in so many emotional ways. He will be graduating from his step down program after 27 months away from home and we will all drive home from Utah together. It is a truly amazing journey!
It’s been 821 days (as I write this blog post) since we sent our then fifteen year old son to wilderness, way back at the end of June 2017. Fast forward to this coming Monday, the last day of September 2019 and he will be heading home for good! To recap: he will be graduating from his step down program after eight months in southern Utah, along with seventeen months at his residential treatment center near Salt Lake City and before that, 92 days in his wilderness therapy program in southern Idaho. 823 days away from home! Can that even be possible? WOW!
This has been a tremendous journey, as cliché as that may sound. He is ready to begin a new chapter of life facing many of his previous challenges and plenty of new ones as well. Isn’t that what life is about? Yet, what is different for him and for us as a family, are the tools we have gained and the experience of all the hard work that comes with treatment in general. He is one of the lucky ones, and so are we!
We couldn’t have done this alone. We have been fortunate to have been helped by a host full wonderful therapists, advisors, mentors and top notch professionals in this field. They truly care. The programs have tons of experience helping teenagers with their personal issues and work hard to get them back on track. It is a true team effort and is not for the faint of heart, not to mention the unimaginable cost families have to bear.
One good person led us to another good person to another and so we learned to navigate this treacherous sea of “what shall we do next?” with trust and hope and our “gut” feelings. We didn’t know what we didn’t know and with each new interaction we picked up a phrase or new tidbit of information that took us down another trail to where we are today. The road can be long as we can attest.
We are so proud of our son. He is happy again and reports no anxiety or depression. He still faces the challenges of technology use as do we all. He is now finished with high school after taking the CHSPE exam (similar to the GED) and wants to work for a year before heading to the college experience. He is a good kid, not perfect, not fixed as people want to ask, yet a better communicator and compliant to rules and boundaries. We have repaired our relationships and continue to work at it. At 18 years old, his future direction will be up to him.
I don’t want give the impression that our lives resemble a “package all tied up neatly with a bow on top”, but rather, a chance to see what opportunities lie ahead for all of us! This is a chance at a new beginning. And so we begin a fresh chapter with our now adult son living with us again, back home in Marin County and the SF Bay Area, CA. Thank you for reading and for your constant support in our heck of a journey! I will continue to blog and ask you to come back often to check our progress!
Most gratefully and filled with love,
At the end of July my son turned eighteen years old! We celebrated by taking a weekend trip and meeting up in New Mexico. All of us were excited to travel somewhere new outside of Utah for a change! It was a nice way to celebrate and we had a great time! We toured the University of New Mexico, ate delicious Southwestern cuisine, visited the Hot Air Balloon Museum and saw many of the location sites used for the TV show "Breaking Bad".
Eighteen is a "BIG" birthday, since in the eyes of the law, one becomes a "legal adult". For many teenagers turning eighteen means "getting to do anything they want". That is, until they have to pay for it with their own money!
The transition between seventeen and eighteen years old can be a confusing right of passage. Teens want freedom and they want to be taken seriously. Parents want them to be safe, yet know that their kids have to figure things out themselves. As those kids mature, the world of responsibility can begin to close in quickly, making life a bit uncomfortable. So many decisions about their futures have to be addressed. These important decisions include: higher education, jobs, goals, travel and relationships. The common thread is that they all require money, something many teenagers do not have in abundance quite yet.
Getting a job is a great way to teach important lessons of what's ahead for older teens. My son made big strides by getting his first job at a McDonald's in Southern Utah this summer. He has been grilling burgers for more hours than he is excited about, which is actually great news. He has said that now he knows he needs higher education, so that this entry level job is not his only choice for the future! HALLELUJAH!
The other big news is that just days before turning eighteen, my son passed the CHSPE (California High School Proficiency Exam)! Can I hear an AMEN? School has been a huge challenge for him and this signifies the END of his high school classes! It is a relief as a parent to not have to worry about his credits or lack of credits as he turned eighteen! He is ready for something new and so are we! (Come back to this blog for more info on how his IEP - Individual Education Program worked and didn't work in his public schooling!)
We are now about to dip our toes into uncharted territory with an ADULT son who is a couple of months away from coming home for good, from treatment this fall. We will get to write the new roles we will assume. We will still be the parents and he will still be the son, but all our hard work over the past two years will be tested in new ways, once he is back. We are excited, happy, scared and "anticipatory" as the boys in his wilderness were fond of saying!
Until then, CONGRATS and HAPPY BIRTHDAY son! I LOVE YOU!
On June 28/29th we will mark two years into our journey. We are so grateful for the time, which has been full of positive change and family healing. When we sent our son to Wilderness therapy with the help of a transport company in 2017, we took a giant leap of faith. We had no idea what to expect. Would this "reboot" work? Would he resent us? Would we get our son back?
Our decision was excruciating. But ultimately after trying everything, we knew we had to do something drastic to keep him safe and stop the downward spiral. He was just shy of his 16th birthday. Today our family can see a future as he turns 18 next month. We all have come a long way!
A couple of weeks ago, our son was home for a quick visit and I asked him a few questions, sort of an interview. His answers might surprise you!
Warrior Mom: What do you remember from that time two years ago?
Son: I don't have a lot of memories from that time, since the drugs heavily affected me. After wilderness, my memory got better at the RTC (residential treatment center).
Warrior Mom: What was the worse part for you from that time?
Son: The last part of my freshman year was the worst. I was spiraling out of control. I thought that you should have sent me sooner.
Warrior Mom: What are some of the positive parts?
Son: Being sober. My mental health is stable. My happiness level is better. My anxiety is better. My self confidence is better.
Warrior Mom: Thoughts about the two year anniversary of going to treatment?
Son: In some ways it feels short, in some ways it feels long.
Warrior Mom: Do you think that others at your local high school would benefit from treatment?
Son: Yes, I know at least fifteen kids who have been to some kind of treatment. A lot of kids from California are in Utah!
Warrior Mom: What was it like when you visited your old RTC last month?
Son: It was really surreal. It looked the same. Some new kids, a few from when I was there. I liked being there without the same rules. A bunch of us from the step down answered questions about it and what it was like to have more independence and privileges.
Warrior Mom: You also had a chance to go to one of your RTC mentor's wedding. Tell me about it.
Son: It was really fun. We were no longer just staff and students, instead we interacted like friends. I had a good time. We got to decorate the wedding get away car! It was a long day and we got back around 11pm.
Warrior Mom: You have made lots of friends in treatment. Do you keep in touch?
Son: Yeah, I text them and most of them are doing well. One friend and I have talked about working a couple of shifts at our old Wilderness program next Summer.
Warrior Mom: Wow, that sounds like fun!
Warrior Mom: Can you share some of your current goals?
Son: I want to earn money by getting a job. (He was hired at McDonald's last week and has completed orientation and two training sessions on the grill so far!) I want to move into the Bridge Independent Living House. I want to go to college. (We are going to tour University of New Mexico in July).
Warrior Mom: We are very proud of you. You should be proud of yourself, too.
Son: Thanks. I am!
We have so much to be grateful for as a family. The past two years have been filled with renewed opportunities for growth, communication and love. It has been joyful and at times tearful. The financial end of it is unimaginable! We have met so many wonderful professionals and had support from family and friends. We have made many new friends who are going through similar journeys. Thank you to all who read this blog. I know writing it helps me and hopefully I can shed some light of hope for others.
It is a one day at a time process. This hits home to me this very moment, after hearing of the passing of one of my son's most extraordinary teachers today. She was a special person to my whole family. I want to dedicate this blog post to her. Her positive outlook was contagious and she touched all of us who knew her. I am saddened with her passing, yet she was able to see my son in person not long ago and witnessed the 2.0 version of him in action. RIP dear Christy. You were there with us the past two years and of course for all the years before as well. I will miss our weekly walks and your unwavering support. Thank you. My thoughts are with your family.
This event actually happened and the best part is that it took place on Mother’s Day. It is eye opening to see how many parallels can be drawn between life in the animal kingdom and humans. I'll give you a hint....the Turkey Mama is a Warrior Mom too!
In our neighborhood in Marin County, in the San Francisco Bay Area, we have tons of wild life: coyotes, skunks, foxes, raccoons, deer, peacocks and recently, wild turkeys. They are big birds and hearing them make their “gobble, gobble” sounds in person, can be surprising as well as entertaining.
Our garden is filled with many blooming flowers and newly leafing trees, mainly due to our over the top rainfall this Spring. Our yard and neighborhood at large, has become a newly popular pit stop for a number of wild turkeys. I’ve witnessed them flying over head from the roof across the street to our gravel parking area. I have seen them walking up and down the nearby driveways and hear them often, especially in the early morning. It's been really fun seeing them hanging around!
Below is a photo of one turkey visitor on Easter Sunday. The brown colored, plainish looking turkeys are the females. On a couple of occasions I’ve seen a pair of male and female turkeys together, but not on this day.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and one day my partner was inspecting the fence along the property line. She almost stepped right on a turkey hiding in the deep ivy. The turkey did not want to be disturbed and made a hissing sound at her. It obviously did not want to be bothered, but why was it there? Just days before a coyote had sauntered through our backyard, in the bright daylight, and perhaps the turkey had been injured by the coyote and was just laying there trying not to move. Another thought was that the turkey was nesting.
After a quick Google search, we learned that turkeys can lay one egg per day, until she has about ten to twelve eggs, with a twenty-eight day incubation period. Then ALL the eggs hatch at the same time. The timing for this event is usually at the end of May into the first week of June. The turkey was probably sitting on her eggs, hiding in an out of the way spot, patiently waiting for them to hatch. We did not know for sure, until the next day.
As I was walking through the dining room after breakfast, I glanced through the large window, at the lower lawn area. I looked out to an unexpected and incredible scene. There was the Turkey Mama and what seemed like a ton of baby turkey chicks. They were all making baby chick sounds and scurrying on the lawn looking for tiny insects. The Turkey Mama was grooming herself by rubbing her back on the lawn. It was quite a sight! She made a big dirt spot by rubbing out of a section of the lawn.
I yelled to everyone in the house to come see what was happening. We had family visiting that weekend and everyone starting taking lots of photos, as we discovered this heart warming scene. Our Jack Russell Terrier shared our excitement, barking wildly, mainly because we could not let her outside to disturb the turkey family.
After counting and re-counting, we determined that there were thirteen little babies. This mama had her hands full. Yet, in the middle of the chaos, she found time to keep an eye on each one of them. They were scurrying all over the place, some venturing out a bit further than the rest. Others stayed right by her side. She was patient and kind. And they were as cute as could be!
In a blink of an eye, danger arose for the little chicks called "poults". A blue jay and then a squawking crow came swooping down towards them. The Turkey Mama made an aggressive move toward the predators and the attacking birds flew away for the moment. The chicks laid as low as they could, hiding in the blades of grass to keep safe, popping up when the coast was deemed clear by Turkey Mama. Then she opened her wings and gathered the whole group under her body, which is called brooding. The attacking birds flew by again and again trying to snatch one of babies, and she became the turkey version of a Warrior Mom. No one was going to hurt her offspring! She protected them and then moved the whole group into a safer location away from the crow and blue jay.
The tense moments lasted for about forty-five minutes. When it became safe again, she brought them out to explore other parts of the yard. The chicks watched and learned from the experienced Turkey Mama. She will be the center of their universe for about four to six months. The poults are unable to fly for four weeks and then will roost in trees at night. They cruised all over the yard and it was easy to see who was in charge.
At the end of the day, they returned close to the original nesting spot, but moved on within about 24 hours to a new location. I am sad to say that some of the original thirteen did not survive, but she did her best to ward off the sometimes cruel world. I watched her show her young poults how to do things for themselves. Her job was to teach them, not do it for them. She was also there to protect and defend them. She kept them moving and showed them the way. All of these takeaways were helpful reminders of our "true" jobs as parents. Hopefully we can let our kids "fly" on their own when it is time.
I do not know where they are now, perhaps we will see them walking down the street or hear them gobbling in the next mating season. My guess is that for now Turkey Mama is showing her young everything they will need to know to survive. It was an awesome Mother's Day. And oh, we also received a FaceTime call from our son in Utah. We told him about the Turkey Mama and her poults and sent him a photo in a text. I think he thought it was cool, too!
Full of gratitude, I am...
A lot has happened in the eight weeks since my 17 1/2 year old was enrolled in the step down co-ed boarding school in Southern Utah. He is doing well and according to his advisor, he is not only compliant and respectful, he has become a favorite of the staff and fellow students alike. He is friendly to everyone, continues to make new friends and has stayed out of the normal drama which can frequently happen in a high school setting.
Isn't that wonderful?
You bet! And with the good news and his positive progress, comes more responsibility and privileges. After his initial two week orientation, my son was able to request privileges towards more independence and "freedom". Every Friday there is a staff "board meeting" where the advisors and administration consider the requests of the students. The students have to fill out forms with info of what privileges they are asking for and why they should be granted.
At this boarding school, there are of course rules, but it's not just "one size fits all", as it was at the Residential Treatment Center before. Along with parent's input, the student's off campus therapist's comments, teacher's recommendations and their advisor's observations, the student moves forward at a pace that is tailor made for each of them individually. If the privileges are broken or rules disobeyed, then the consequences are given as learning opportunities rather than strictly punitive, giving the student a chance to learn from their mistakes in a healthy way. It's like a built in safety net, which can be very positive and still instructive.
So far my son has earned many privileges: trust walks in the neighborhood surrounding the campus, dorm alone time, time off campus without staff AND the use of a cell phone. The cell phone we chose to re-introduce him back into the electronics world is an old fashioned "flip phone". It can of course make phone calls, but has a lot of limits to texting and other uses that "smart phones" have made common place. Many have commented that this "retro" style phone is becoming popular again!
My son's therapist says that he likes to "front load" the electronics use for kids at the boarding school, so the patterns of usage and potential problems can be addressed right away. For my son, he jumped back into the use head first. It was actually surreal when I purchased a new phone from the AT&T store and sent it to Utah initially. It took me right back to a time before my son went to wilderness that was not pleasant to remember. At that point, his iphone use was constant. He kept the device by his bedside all night long. He texted non-stop and was on social media too frequently.
He even recently shared that as he was being told he was heading to wilderness that fateful middle of the night, that he texted a friend to "Please keep my string of texts going on SnapChat for me!" That's how out of control he was: as he was being sent away, his texting "string" was still his biggest concern.
As a family, we have discussed these old and often negative patterns in many conversations since the time he's been away (end of June 2017). We talked about the anxiety and depression that the phone has caused for many, including him. We came to an understanding that while we as parents really thought of his electronics use as an addiction and he didn't, there would have to be a balance of use/non-use in the future. We know that we are not going back to the "string tied to tin cans" kind of communication of the past and that the cell phone is here to stay, in all of our lives. Yet, that balance is so essential for our minds, bodies and overall health. That goes for kids and us adults alike!
So when my son came home for his Spring Break, five weeks after beginning the "step down program", he had his phone with him as he came off the plane. The list of his approved contacts were only a handful at that time. The list has been growing, as we continue to talk about who should be added and who should not be. Though it is somewhat limited, he is able to be in contact with his fellow classmates at the boarding school. He has reached out to some boys from wilderness and the Ranch and a few old friends from back home. We will see which ones rise to the top quickly enough. We are encouraging positive connections moving forward!
Well, as you have guessed, it was super easy for my son to resume using his phone, even a flip phone, for more time than we wanted to see. This was expected, especially after twenty months without having one to use at all. We were able to set boundaries of keeping the phone on the charger downstairs in the living room at night, so his sleep wouldn't be interrupted. That was an improvement! We did see some old patterns come back, but we talked about them in family therapy. Part of our agreement is making sure that he is active and participates in family duties and chores, when he is visiting at home and does his homework and other obligations while he is at school. He has been agreeable to those terms. Even my son's therapist says he is working on those same balances with his thirteen year old. It is a common dilemma these days and one we knew we were going to face!
As the newness of the phone wears off, it will be up to him, to make these choices of amount of use and who he can call or text. In the meantime, we have received very good weekly calls from him. It's always good to hear his voice when he's away. Our week long visit was good overall, and we want to continue the conversation of balance as we move forward with this part of our journey. It will be an important topic for many families, I suspect!
Next up, adding a computer, internet and approved social media to the mix. Privilege by privilege we are heading down the ROAD TO EIGHTEEN when he enters adulthood officially near the end of July.
As challenging as re-introducing the phone has been, we are glad he has jumped back in! The question remains: How well will he balance it all?
"The future is ours to see, Que Sera, Sera".
I remain ever grateful,
This past month has been a very exciting time for my 17 1/2 year old son! He has started a new program in a new area of Utah. This program is what is known as a "Step Down" program in the treatment world. It is a small co-ed, boarding prep school with only 37 total students and a place of many possibilities towards a bright future! Much of what he learned at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will be put to the test quite quickly! It will be a perfect place to practice!
We left the Ranch last week on a Thursday and drove down to Southern Utah with a car full of clothing, boots, binders and memories! The exact day and time of the departure was kept under wraps by the staff, as close to the last minute as possible, so the students keep participating and working on their issues. In my son's case, he had a vague idea of when he would be leaving, but not the exact day and time. We challenged him to continue to put in the work, in what would be his final weeks of his almost 17 month stay. He was ready and we were ready! He had learned all that they could offer and succeeded in many aspects during his time there.
One of the biggest achievements was that he finished Geometry, and took his final test (a re-test) and passed with 100% on his next to last day! Days earlier he had only scored a 47% on that same exam. In fact he passed three tests during his last week, which helped quite a bit. He had been ready to give up and accept a half credit for the course just weeks prior. But we as parents and his therapist pushed him into getting the studying done! We told him that if he completed Geometry, he would never have to take that class again, ever! Geometry was not his favorite subject (and who can blame him for thinking that!) but he did get the job done and WOW you could see his pride and excitement when he told us all about it on his final day at the RTC. My son also shared he that decided to skip his team's basketball game (his did have a sore wrist, but still getting off campus was always a treat) and so he hit the books in order to finish this daunting math class! It was one of the first times that he directly saw the pay-off for actually doing the difficult work! It was a huge accomplishment!
Another big moment for the kids leaving The Ranch is coming up with a "brand" and having it burned into the wall at the entry of the Administration Building and another on a take-away plaque to keep. There are so many unique symbols from every boy who had left prior to my son. It is considered a very special ritual and as we were landing at the Salt Lake City Airport, his therapist texted pictures to us. We would miss that moment in person, but would be able to participate in the "Goodbye Group" with his fellow students, many staff members and mentors.
As we entered the Bunkhouse, where my son had lived since the very end of September 2017, he warmly greeted us with the biggest smile imaginable! He remembered that is was my birthday and even told me, "Happy Birthday"! Those words were the best gift I could receive! I was very moved! As we were getting ready to begin the Goodbye Group, the boys in the bunkhouse all started singing "Happy Birthday" in unison. That really floored me! Even with prompting from the staff, they were able to show their sweet sides to another parent in their group! That put a big smile on my face!
There is a designated couch at one end of the main room where my son and the two of us sat. He spoke into a small hand held recording device and announced that it was his Goodbye Group, the date and then paused it, as he passed it to the first boy sitting to his right. They each turned on the recorder, introduced themselves and offered words of wisdom, encouragement or memories of my son and their joint time at The Ranch. Some spoke a short time, some a little longer, but all the messages were heartfelt and very thoughtful. The staff members all participated and added their advice and remarks to and about my son. Our son's therapist had a couple of quotes that rang true as perfect advice for his future. One was from Mohammed Ali, though I can not recall what the quote was at present. My son will get a copy of all these special sentiments and will be able to listen to them later.
As the recorder was handed to me, I was overcome with emotions. I was going to miss this place, even though it was difficult having my son so far away from home. This place, that was a safe haven for my son. A place that gave him confidence in himself, where he took care of newborn calves, where he rode horses each week, where he did his own laundry, performed in the Parent Day's Variety shows and succeeded in school! There were so many thoughts and memories swirling in my head, I had to focus on what I was going to say to him as my parting words from the RTC that was his home and school for over a year!
I turned the recorder on, and couldn't speak. His therapist was quick to retrieve a box of Kleenex as I gathered myself. It was very silent and then tears began running down my cheeks. My first words were, "WAY TO GO!" You did it. It may have been longer than we all thought it would be, but YOU DID IT! I am proud of you. You stuck with the challenges, leveling up and then even leveling down. Participating in all sorts of therapy, more than anyone can even imagine! But what stood out to me was that your effort was there, even when it didn't look like if from the outside! You wrote us weekly letters, even if they were mandatory assignments. I am so lucky to have a large stack of them. Yes, they were short and somewhat repetitive but they mattered! I looked so forward to receiving the scan of a new letter every Monday! If for some reason it came on a Tuesday, I was beside myself with anticipation of getting that letter. I was always happy to know that you were okay and were even having a good time!
I then told the boys in the room that their parents and loved ones really appreciated getting their letters, whether they realized it or not! My words to my son then returned back to a simple, yet important theme. I was proud of him, because he was present. I know that being away from home was not something he would have chosen. I know it was hard for him. But guess what, it was hard for me too, not having him home. And most importantly, his original goal (that he stated to the Admission's person on his first day) was to repair and improve the communication and relationship with his moms. I believe as he does, that he accomplished that!
"You did it son! Way to go! I love you! I can't wait to see what's next for you and your future! I'm really excited for you! It's now all up to you! And we are here for you and still have your back!"
The mic passed to my partner who said something awesome to him and I know he was listening from watching his facial expressions. The circle was complete. We then all went downstairs into the CafeA and had some delicious birthday cake that my son had made in the school's kitchen, along with his therapist. There is a tradition (at the Ranch) of getting a cake on your birthday made with your favorite ingredients and that was true for me too: chocolate cake, chocolate icing with Reese's peanut butter cups and Reese's pieces all over the top! What a birthday I had! We said our last goodbyes and hit the road down to Southern Utah. The next day was going to be big! Entering the Step Down program where my son knew he needed be, for now.
In the car, we talked about our various memories of the Ranch and gave tribute to all those people who helped us along the way. We are all excited to see what's next! Our journey continues..... Stay tuned!
I AM ONE FORTUNATE,
“The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change -”
Happy New Year! Our Christmas visit was awesome! My son came home and that meant that we stayed home for a whole week! No traveling, just staying put! We had a family Christmas, we played basketball, we went shopping and we saw some old friends! Many of those friends had not seen our son in quite some time. They were happily surprised to see a smiling face of a grown teen when they greeted each other.
"What a change!", they shared with me.
"Can you believe it? He's smiling and happy!" I replied.
"Really, he looks great!" they added.
In this case, the change was good. Re-connecting with friends from early childhood was important. They knew each other before the teenage years, when they first started school and when they were just learning how to ride bikes. They had lost their first teeth together, and were once so little and innocent, it was hard to imagine they all had grown up to be the big kids now! Some are driving, some have jobs and some like my son, have learned important lessons about life and friendship by a change of scenery and a path less traveled.
They asked him questions about Wilderness. They asked him questions about sleeping without a tent (my son's choice by the end of 92 days so he didn't have to keep setting it up every day!) They asked him what it was like to not have a phone.
"Wow, I couldn't do that! I probably use my phone too much, I guess!", one realized.
My son has been without a phone (or computer) for over 500 days. What a difference in his brain! He has less anxiety and less depression. He has less to worry about like keeping Snap Chat strings alive or posting on Instagram or getting a ton of LIKES. It's a simple life when electronics aren't taking you over! Oh, did I mention that my son read a book over Christmas vacation? He also had conversations with us. And his distraction level is WAY down! That's another nice change!
Looking back over 2018 we can certainly say that we are moving in a good direction. Yet, just when one feels settled, change comes along to shake things up a bit! Change is a good thing in this case! And the theme of the unknown keeps coming back again and again!
This coming weekend we are touring a STEP DOWN Boarding School together. It is located in Southern Utah. This new environment will allow my son more independence and a chance to make decisions for himself. The school is Co-Ed and that will be a BIG change from the all boys RTC (residential treatment center) he has been at for the past fifteen months. They have school in the AM, and that will be a change from the afternoon schooling at the Ranch. There will be many new adjustments ahead. We think it could be a good fit for a young man heading toward adulthood and his 18th birthday in July. He has more time to practice what he has learned in the past year and a half, before he comes home for good.
We are excited to see a new part of Utah and discover new places in that beautiful state. We know that change is important for growth. This move will be a different experience, but exciting at the same time. We are looking forward to the new changes that are a comin' our way!
I am embracing the unknown! Thanks for sharing our journey!
In the world of treatment, there are standards and rules in place which makes the program's expectations very clear. For the parents who are far away in distance and without daily contact, there is much that is uncertain and unknown about, regarding our kids. Of course there is a weekly scanned letter that comes to my IN BOX via email on Mondays, usually late in the day. That short letter has a tiny bit of info in it. My son is not a long letter writer, but anything is better than nothing. He usually says that his week has been good. He will often write about what movies they watched for "Movie Night", and if he earned a chance to go to it. He hardly ever answers questions from the letter we sent to him the previous Thursday in our weekly letter exchanges. But at least it is something!
There is also the weekly Skype call every Tuesday afternoon. About half of the call is a discussion with his therapist on what's going on with our son. The other half is comprised of our son reading his therapy assignment to us followed by our asking questions or making comments on his work. Most of the assignments are very thoughtful and complete. Some have parts that need to be amended with additional information by him. We get a really short time for "just personal banter". But at least it is something!
This past Thanksgiving we all had a good visit. Our 17 year old flew on his own to the SF Bay Area, on the Friday after the holiday and was able to stay for one week. He did not earn a HOME VISIT this time, instead it was categorized as an OUT OF STATE visit which meant we were not able to go together to our house, but rather to our cabin in Nor Cal instead. We were excited to share that time and also re-connect with our grown nephew, who took the Amtrak train from Portland, OR to join us for the visit. Our nephew had lived with us a few years ago and is about ten years older than our son. We were all so happy to see him and to be together again. The last time we saw him was on our Disneyland trip in April of 2017, which was during a difficult time in our past, B.W (Before Wilderness). Our post Thanksgiving visit was something special.
As I write this, we know our son will be coming back to California on December 23rd. What we don't know is if he has earned the chance to be at home, or if we have to go on the road again and back up to our cabin. We are waiting for the verdict from his Treatment Team. The group goes over his progress and evaluates what tasks were asked of him during the last few weeks. Our son is back at Level 2 and he doesn't seem to be moving back to a 3 any time soon. Nothing is ever quick in our experience in the treatment world. We are still very proud of all the work he has done, day in and day out; week in and week out. None the less, we are still up in the air regarding our plans. But at least we will see him.
Being up in the air becomes an opportunity to live with uncomfortable feelings and and it forces us to realize that we can only live day to day in this world. Looking at our situation through a positive lens also gives us a chance to stay present and not to focus on what we can not control as parents. Our son on the other hand, holds the key to his future in his own hands. It is up to him ultimately. Letting go of our expectations has been one of the biggest lessons we have learned during the past 18 months. Yes, our son has been away for 18 months and yet we have been lucky enough to have seen him in all but three or four of those months. We continue to try and re-build our connections, and we are happy to have the opportunity to do so. That is something!
Fast forward to right now, today. As I finish writing this blog post, I am happy to report that our son is home with us for Christmas. What a wonderfully meaningful present for us and the whole family. We are truly blessed. We are sticking close to home and get to spend a whole week together. I want to wish "Happy Holidays" to you and your families. Thanks for sharing our journey. More to come in the upcoming weeks. 2019 will be a big year! And that is something to be thankful for!
I am Warrior Mom!
Keeping the Faith!
This post is a bit different, but a very important one, none the less. Have you seen this article from The New York Times? It's titled: "A Dark Consensus About Screens and Kids Begins to Emerge in Silicon Valley" by Nellie Bowles. After reading this piece dated October 26, 2018, I was reminded of our old life, when my young teenage son was on his phone, computer, playing video games and watching TV, ALL of the time. It was a big part of what ruined our family life.
"It's time to get off", I would say to him.
"Okay, I will, I will, I just have to finish this game....post....video....text....movie....coding....fill in the blank. It didn't matter that I turned it off or took it away, he found a way to get it back.
Over and over I would ask for him to stop and he wouldn't or couldn't. Part of it was our fault for letting him have the devices and part of it was his fault for using them. However, according to this article, it is becoming well known in the tech community that part of the problem lies with them too! Most of the big wigs in the industry do not let their own kids have much screen time and have at least monitored it. Steve Jobs' young kids weren't allowed to use Apple iPads! Bill and Melinda Gates wish they would have waited longer to give their four kids cell phones.
What positively changed for us was my son's forced absence of screens. In the Wilderness Therapy Program my son went to last summer, at fifteen years of age, there was no screen use at all. Period. Cold turkey. Nada. What that did for his brain was let some "green" in and allow nature to cleanse and let his mind mature on it's own. His mood became better. He actually could participate in conversations without constant distraction. Without the use, mis-use and over-use of screens, it made him a better person. He became less isolated and ultimately happier.
Another plus from no screen time, was that the majority of his anxiety went away. Bingo! What a concept. If we as adults, who already have formed brains, have a problem, how is a young person supposed to put down the screen? This article points out that the developers know how to program their content to go right to the pleasure centers of our brains. We are at a severe disadvantage that allows the devices to win every time, just like the casinos in Las Vegas, the house (the screen) will always win!
This article is eye-opening to the degree that those in Silicon Valley understand what their products are doing to the people they are selling to (us parents). One tech magazine higher up calls it closer to "cocaine than to candy" as to effects on the brain. Is anyone paying attention? I hope so! It's all around us, and we are paying them to do it to us!
As far as our story goes, my son is able to use a computer to type some school assignments at the RTC. He still has no phone use and no internet use. When we visit with him, we talk about how we will move forward with technology in the near future. The ironic part is that technology is an area of interest and skill for him. We will continue to explore and examine the pluses and minuses of that use. In the meantime, read the article and ponder why Silicon Valley is keeping this dark secret?
I still can't believe how fortunate we were last month to have our son visit our Northern California mountain cabin. He had not been back in California for fifteen months. He was now Level 3 and earned it over what seemed like a really long period of time! His therapist was the main force behind making this milestone visit take place when it did. We had our scheduled Parent Days on tap in October in Utah, so we thought, well maybe we will just wait until then to see our son. But our therapist said, "I really think you all should take this opportunity right now".
What a huge statement that turned out to be. One week after that wonderful visit, our son's grandmother passed away. It was sudden and somewhat unexpected. Her health was challenged a month earlier with a "mini-stroke". Her memory wasn't as strong as it once was. But, she in fact rebounded from that August event and was such a trooper as we all picked up our much more mature son (now 17 years old) at the Sacramento Airport on a Friday, for our long weekend visit last month. Grandma and Grandson were very happy to see each other and picked up with their playful ways without a missing a beat, after a very long absence of not being together.
She asked him how he liked his school. He told her about the horses, running 5K races and his classes. She asked if he had made some friends and he shared some of their names with her. He was a 2.0 version of himself: much calmer, much happier and more at ease. We all played cards together and there was work on the puzzle, in the main room of the cabin, that was always set up and ready for action. We reminded him to speak up so she could hear his answers more clearly and he was pretty talkative for a non-talkative kid! She told me how "sweet" a boy he was. She was happy he was doing well in school, in what was one of our clearest conversations in a long time.
How lucky we were to have no regrets! She was happy up until the end and basically went to sleep one night and didn't wake up. Most of us would trade large amounts of gold for a serene scenario like that. The timing was such that we were able to tell our son, during our weekly Skype call with his therapist, that she was near the end of her life. He took it as well as could be expected, but was definitely quiet in his processing of the sad news. He saw us cry and we saw a bit of a lip quiver from him. That was quite a moment that we shared.
We agreed with his therapist that he should join the weekly "Grief Group" at the Ranch to help him get in touch with those sad feelings. When we arrived for Parent Days a couple weeks later, we were able to share stories about Grandma and talk about our good times together. We didn't expect what happened next.
As the date for Grandma's memorial was being set, the treatment team all agreed that it was very important for our son to attend the memorial, back at home. Originally, he was just going to come back with us to Marin County after Parent Days for just three days, since it was his first home visit. Then, they suggested he stay for an extended time, which ended up being a whole ten days.
"How are we going to manage this?"
" Are we really ready?"
After taking some deep breaths and talking it through, it became very obvious that he needed to be home with enough time to acclimate, before all the "hub hub" of lots of family and the memorial actually took place. We took it one day at a time. We had our nightly family meeting. We talked about what the "triggers" for all of us might look like. We supported each other. Most importantly, he participated. The rules were the same as other visits: no cell phones, no internet, stay with us at all times and get school work and therapy work done daily. And foremost, enjoy each other's company.
The activities started slowly. We were greeted at home by a couple of our son's Aunties. We did some cleaning up. We went out to dinner. As the days went on, more relatives showed up. He visited with his local same aged cousin for an hour. We stayed close by. Things were going well.
To describe the faces of each person who had not recently seen our son, greet him over those ten days, would bring a large grin and possibly a tear or two, to anyone who watched. I was so proud to see him navigate ALL the bonus attention he received! The two most spoken comments about him were, "You look so good!" and "I am proud of you!" He heard those wonderful words over and over again. How powerful is that? We took lots of photos and tried not to overwhelm our son with too much. But how could it not? He was part of the family once again!
That's where he really surprised us and made us reflect. He was growing up before our eyes and had made many positive changes over the past year. We celebrated that! He may still be a "man of few words" but he was respectful and helpful with all that we had to do, to host a memorial for over two hundred people. He watched and listened and took important steps towards a new life with his family. We sent him back to the Ranch and felt the sadness of his leaving. We are working on a Thanksgiving visit for November!
Feeling at peace,
My seventeen year old earned his Level 3 a couple of weeks ago, which was an awesome achievement. Things have also been clicking on the school front for him, primarily because the academic team switched his courses to "practical" to try and speed things up. It simply means they just teach and test on the "meat and potatoes" and leave the extra "sauces" out of the learning. By doing that, he has completed more course work in a couple weeks time, than in the past number of months. He is very proud of his successes! And so are we to say the least.
One week ago we picked up our son at the Sacramento International Airport. It was his first flight all alone and he completed it like a champ! His RTC program does what they call "an airport run" for students going on "home visits" and "out of state visits". They drive the kids to the Salt Lake City Airport and get a gate pass to escort them to the boarding area. They watch the flight take off and we on the receiving end, meet our student at the gate when the plane lands.
After his arrival and going to baggage claim, we drove to our cabin in Northern California. Grandma and our doggy were also along for the ride! They haven't seen each other in over fifteen months and it was an awesome reunion. Everyone was so happy to see each other!
"What a sweet boy", Grandma commented over and over again during the weekend. Our son certainly has matured during the past year. He seemed calmer and more amiable. He helped with the meals by frying up some bacon and scrambling the eggs, as well as sautéing the zucchini and squash for one our dinners. He even added a little honey with the salt and pepper seasoning, a trick he learned in Wilderness! That kind of family participation would have never happened before he went to treatment!
The "out of state visit" is part of the "practice" that has to take place as our son goes through his treatment program. The "rules" for the visit are the same as when we travel to Utah to see him there. Dress code and behaviors are enforced, just like at the Ranch. No caffeinated drinks and one soda per meal. No "R" rated movies and we must always stay together. No money, no computers, no cell phone use. It may sound tough, but everyone understands the rules and we have followed them for each visit we've had at the RTC during the past year.
Before the visit, we came up with a list of goals to work on: a family meeting each night, continued discussions about topics that have been difficult in the past (social media, technology, friends). We wanted to enjoy the out of doors by walking or hiking. We had a few things on the shopping list: new backpack, a new pair of jeans and a transistor radio. As a Level 3, our son earned the use of a backpack and a radio, which he could listen to during his free time on the weekends. I didn't even know they made transistor radios anymore, but we did find one at Walmart! He was excited to be able to get his very own to take back to the Ranch.
Starting fresh with a NEW backpack was very symbolic. The old, canvas blue backpack had negative associations for me and was definitely a trigger in my eyes. So when we picked out a canvas style book bag, I felt a lot better about it's appearance and we talked about how it would be used in a positive fashion. It just has to be better this time around. One step at a time, one item at a time!
We arrived at the cabin around dinner time. We settled into a wonderful meal and played a couple of games of cards after that. We had a family meeting and talked about the excitement of our son's return to California after fifteen months. He recognized it as a step in the process! We treasured our time together. We watched a movie, we took a couple of longs walks. He took some photos with my DSLR camera and showed me what he had learned in his digital photography elective at school. He was happy to be the one to spot the wild donkey on our property and was so excited to be able to photograph "DONKEY" like few have been able to do! Our son helped with some chores and also completed homework concepts each of the four days of the "out of state visit".
As a surprise for our son, we asked him if he was interested in "driving" on our private dirt road near the cabin. His smile was as big as I've seen it in years! He climbed into the twenty-one year old Ford Explorer and backed up as his first maneuver. The tires did spin a bit, but overall he was an outstanding driver who took direction well. He had about six to seven "drives" of about 1/2 mile to 1 mile in length. We even picked up a California drivers manual at the local DMV which he took back to Utah so he could learn the rules of the road. This event was huge for us, since he has never really shown any interest in driving in the past. We will take it one step at a time and would love him to get some "real" driving instruction in the future. No rush, but the "wheels are in motion"!
As I reflect on our four days together, I am so grateful for this "practice" visit before his upcoming "home visit" (he must remain a Level 3) next month. To be open and real, we didn't know exactly what to expect. It went very well overall, yet there were a few tiny things that needed to be talked about and resolved. Keeping in mind that nothing is "perfect", our goals were met and we enjoyed spending a long weekend together as a family. We had some down time and relaxed. Bedtimes were met and so were getting up times. I can't remember the last time that happened when we were under the same roof.
If I could answer why everything went so smoothly, I would have to say that his time away (15 months) has had a lot to do with it. We also work very hard each week with our family therapist on Skype calls and writing letters back and forth with our son. His treatment assignments have been completed and it's one step at a time! As we headed to the Oakland International Airport for his return flight to Salt Lake City, Utah we talked about the fun we had and were truly sorry to see it come to an end. I am so proud of my son and his growth and progress. It is truly a "Journey" with a capital "J" and I am very happy to share it with you the reader! I will keep you posted with more news ahead!
Keeping the faith....
Happy Anniversary to me! Yes, it's been one year since The My Warrior Mom Life Blog was launched. I feel fortunate to be able to share my journey with you on this website. It has been a year filled with gratitude, growth and understanding. I know many of you readers personally and want to thank you for your support. It means the world to me! There are many others of you, whom I have not met, and I am thankful for your readership as well. I hope my blog continues to blossom and grow and that I can touch the lives (in a positive way) of many more parents, who are going through similar situations. Don't hesitate to share one of my blog posts or a helpful link with anyone on a challenging path with a struggling teenager in their lives. We all know someone who is going through tough times with their teen, don't we? Don't be shy about reaching out!
I don't proclaim to have all the answers. In fact, it's just the opposite. I, however, have surrounded myself with people who can help my family and me through our not so unusual journey. The list of contributing factors that many of us face range from digital addiction, adoption to ADHD to drugs and school failure and others I have not mentioned. I have been honest and open about the ups and downs my family has experienced and about the many feelings that have come up connected to those times. I know that sharing it all on this blog has helped me tremendously! I will continue to write openly about our story, as we navigate a world that is more complex than ever before.
For me, at this very moment, I must trust in the process, especially because it involves "radical acceptance" regarding the unknown future that lies ahead. More on that topic in an upcoming blog post. I am also planning to write about school issues, time between visits in seeing our son, time tables for possible upcoming home visits, aftercare, turning the magical age of 18 and other relevant themes regarding treatment. Believe me, it's not easy, not having our son at home, but he is safe and doing well at the RTC. There is so much to learn and digest that frankly, I have to acknowledge that TIME is the best healer there is. It is also one of the most anxious making parts of the process. That is the Ying and Yang of it all!
So in conclusion, I'd like to thank you all personally for being a part of my ongoing healing as a parent with a teen who struggles. I look forward to being there for others as you have been there for me. It takes a village and beyond!
As parents we are supposed to care for our kids. We are supposed to teach our kids right from wrong. And we are supposed to be good role models for them in life. Even if all those things are true, as parents we still may need to rely on others for support and strength.
Here is a list of some of the ways I have gotten support during the past year, while my son has been in Wilderness Therapy and at his current placement, an RTC (Residential Treatment Center) in Utah. I will add other resourses to this post in the future. I would love to hear from fellow parents! Please chime in below, in the Comment Section because it does "take a village"!
What are your lifelines and support systems?
1. Therapist - A parent needs someone to talk to who is unrelated to the day to day drama we face when our kids are struggling. A good therapist is trained to help parents navigate all the ups and downs we feel when we can't "fix things" for our teenagers and when life's challenges are too much to bare. Yes, your kid may need help but it starts with you! Find a good therapist.
2. Education Consultant - Here is another major player in the puzzle of helping your struggling teen. Ed Consultants know all the programs that are available out there. They have visited many of them and keep connected with the staff and administrations of Wilderness Programs, Therapeutic Boarding Schools (TBS), Residential Treatment Centers (RTC), Step Downs and Young Adult (18-26 yrs) Programs. A parent just can not make important decisions without the guidance and expertise of an Ed Consultant. It is important to note that judging a program based on their website alone, is not wise. A talented graphic web designer can make a program's website look beautiful, but the staff and location is what makes your child's placement a good fit. The Education Consultant will cost you on the front end of the process, but they are essential at all stages of your journey. A must-have component on your team!
3. Local Meet-Up Parent Support Group - For some folks, this may come in the form of a local Al-Anon group meeting (which I have attended). You can google to see what's available in your area and find out times and locations for those meetings. For me however, I found that a more specifically directed group for parents of kids in Wilderness, TBS and RTCs was just what I needed. There is a local group in the San Francisco Bay Area is called WILLOWS IN THE WIND. They have an additional new meeting location in Broomfield, CO as well. Willows in the Wind is a 501(c)3 non-profit that supports parents and families who are looking for more information of what's out there in the way of help or currently have teens and young adults in treatment programs. They have three Bay Area meeting locations: Oakland, Los Altos Hills and San Rafael, CA. Visit their website for more information. It is a safe place with lots of support for parents of troubled teens!
4. Berkeley Parents Network - BPN is a non-profit online forum for parents who live in the SF Bay Area. Members share advice with other parents about all sorts of topics including parenting, schools, health, career, relationships, travel, and local businesses and services. It has been helpful to me for gathering information and links to other resources, especially when info may be difficult to find. (It is how I found Willows in the Wind!) It is not necessary for you to live in the SF Bay Area to use the website. Many of the posts are older, from the past few years, but it can still be helpful to read those posts on the related topics of Wilderness, Ed Consultants and RTCs for a perspective on how others have handled different problems and their personal situations.
5. W.A.B. Connect Wilderness And Beyond - WAB is an emotional support group with a new website and a weekly parent participation phone call. It began in 2017 by two sets of families who wanted to share their experiences of what therapeutic wilderness was like for them, as well as what follows, with other parents by forming connections. The individual stories may be different but it is very powerful to hear from others going through similar situations, including their wins and set-backs. Weekly call topics and notes as well as a blog are on the website. This awesome group of parents will prove to you that you are NOT alone. It provides a safe place to share, listen and learn from others with adolescents and young adult children at every stage of treatment.
6. Letter Writing - Every week my son writes us a letter. These letters are part of the therapy assignments in Wilderness and at the RTC. It has become such an important weekly connection for us and we truly look forward to receiving the email version of his handwritten letter at the beginning of the week. We answer him back, usually on Thursdays with a typed letter that we send to his therapist, who prints it out on the other end to give to him. Our son's letters are not very long and his penmanship is rather sloppy and rushed, but we've encouraged him to add more content in the letters to create a back and forth dialog. We put a lot of thought and effort into our replies to his letters. Sometimes we keep it light, but the letters are always encouraging and positive. I have saved a copy of all the letters and plan to put them into a three ring binder to save for posterity. Letter writing has become such a lost art in communication these days. I treasure the chance to re-read each one and actually hold that piece of paper in my hand. Yes, it's old fashioned but it has a value that can not be underestimated. It becomes something to look forward to, rather than the quick rewards of the instant gratification of texting or phone calls. One could even say it builds character.
7. Blogging - I don't know what I would have done this past year, if I hadn't started writing this blog. It has been a highlight of the challenging (yet full of growth) year we've had. I feel good after each time I hit "publish". I've learned so much about myself and realize how fortunate I am to have so many family members and friends let me know that they have read what I've written. I know some of you have not gone through many of the experiences that my family has, but you continue to show me how much you care and are rooting for us at every turn. I also love receiving comments from all of you after I publish my posts. It is a rather public forum, but I know my sharing has helped others. I have spoken to many of you on the phone. I've walked and talked with a few of you. I have had coffee and met some of you in person. I plan to continue to blog because it has become an essential release for my feelings and emotions.
Bonus tip: (For those who are not in the position to blog, keep a journal...same idea, and a bit more private! Get your thoughts out of your head and write them down! Try it, you'll like it!)
8. Self-Care - This is an important one! Exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep will allow you to function at a higher level when stress and worry take over your whole being. It can be a simple walk. I have enjoyed swimming, tennis and pickle ball. Others might prefer yoga and meditation. Whatever you choose, do it regularly and if possible daily! As parents we will not be able to offer anything to our kid's treatment program if we are unable to get out of bed and are stuck in a frozen state. It might not be easy, but do one thing per day. Put it on the calendar or call a friend and make a firm date to do something you enjoy. It will allow you to come back to the riggers of parenting while your kid is in treatment!
9. Connections - Without connections, a support system can not work. Everyday I meet people who may not know my family's story and when I have a chance to build a new or stronger connection, I am lifted up by the openness and kindness I receive. I have shared with grocery checkers at my local Safeway. I have shared with other parents and lots of friends who are too shy to ask. I try to be appropriate and not "over share", but that's what's great about having connections first, the realization that everyone's got something they struggle with. And you don't know what someone else is going through, if they don't tell you. So be brave: connect. Then share, then breathe, then let go. Take it slowly. One step at a time. One day at a time. Whatever it is that you are going through, you are not alone. And you can get through it!
10. Books - There are so many good ones. Here's one that I have read and got a lot out of it and was also recommended by a Mom from Oakland, CA: The Parallel Process-Growing Along Side Your Adolescent or Young Adult in Treatment by Krissy Pozatek.
I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles that Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships by Gary and Joy Lundberg
The Five Love Languages of Teenagers - The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman
Are there other books that have helped you? Please let me know and I can add them to the list! Thanks!
Feeling at peace and full of gratitude for my support systems,
I am Warrior Mom. I am a self proclaimed Techy and I'm NOW calling a halt to the excess use of it! Let's put some balance back into our lives, especially our teens!
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