My seventeen year old earned his Level 3 a couple of weeks ago, which was an awesome achievement. Things have also been clicking on the school front for him, primarily because the academic team switched his courses to "practical" to try and speed things up. It simply means they just teach and test on the "meat and potatoes" and leave the extra "sauces" out of the learning. By doing that, he has completed more course work in a couple weeks time, than in the past number of months. He is very proud of his successes! And so are we to say the least.

One week ago we picked up our son at the Sacramento International Airport. It was his first flight all alone and he completed it like a champ! His RTC program does what they call "an airport run" for students going on "home visits" and "out of state visits". They drive the kids to the Salt Lake City Airport and get a gate pass to escort them to the boarding area. They watch the flight take off and we on the receiving end, meet our student at the gate when the plane lands.

After his arrival and going to baggage claim, we drove to our cabin in Northern California. Grandma and our doggy were also along for the ride! They haven't seen each other in over fifteen months and it was an awesome reunion. Everyone was so happy to see each other!

"What a sweet boy", Grandma commented over and over again during the weekend. Our son certainly has matured during the past year. He seemed calmer and more amiable. He helped with the meals by frying up some bacon and scrambling the eggs, as well as sautéing the zucchini and squash for one our dinners. He even added a little honey with the salt and pepper seasoning, a trick he learned in Wilderness! That kind of family participation would have never happened before he went to treatment!

The "out of state visit" is part of the "practice" that has to take place as our son goes through his treatment program. The "rules" for the visit are the same as when we travel to Utah to see him there. Dress code and behaviors are enforced, just like at the Ranch. No caffeinated drinks and one soda per meal. No "R" rated movies and we must always stay together. No money, no computers, no cell phone use. It may sound tough, but everyone understands the rules and we have followed them for each visit we've had at the RTC during the past year.

Before the visit, we came up with a list of goals to work on: a family meeting each night, continued discussions about topics that have been difficult in the past (social media, technology, friends). We wanted to enjoy the out of doors by walking or hiking. We had a few things on the shopping list: new backpack,  a new pair of jeans and a transistor radio.  As a Level 3, our son earned the use of a backpack and a radio, which he could listen to during his free time on the weekends. I didn't even know they made transistor radios anymore, but we did find one at Walmart! He was excited to be able to get his very own to take back to the Ranch.

Starting fresh with a NEW backpack was very symbolic. The old, canvas blue backpack had negative associations for me and was definitely a trigger in my eyes. So when we picked out a canvas style book bag, I felt a lot better about it's appearance and we talked about how it would be used in a positive fashion. It just has to be better this time around. One step at a time, one item at a time!

We arrived at the cabin around dinner time. We settled into a wonderful meal and played a couple of games of cards after that. We had a family meeting and talked about the excitement of our son's return to California after fifteen months. He recognized it as a step in the process! We treasured our time together. We watched a movie, we took a couple of longs walks. He took some photos with my DSLR camera and showed me what he had learned in his digital photography elective at school. He was happy to be the one to spot the wild donkey on our property and was so excited to be able to photograph "DONKEY" like few have been able to do! Our son helped with some chores and also completed homework concepts each of the four days of the "out of state visit". 

As a surprise for our son, we asked him if he was interested in "driving" on our private dirt road near the cabin. His smile was as big as I've seen it in years! He climbed into the twenty-one year old Ford Explorer and backed up as his first maneuver. The tires did spin a bit, but overall he was an outstanding driver who took direction well. He had about six to seven "drives" of about 1/2 mile to 1 mile in length. We even picked up a California drivers manual at the local DMV which he took back to Utah so he could learn the rules of the road. This event was huge for us, since he has never really shown any interest in driving in the past. We will take it one step at a time and would love him to get some "real" driving instruction in the future. No rush, but the "wheels are in motion"!

As I reflect on our four days together, I am so grateful for this "practice" visit before his upcoming "home visit" (he must remain a Level 3) next month. To be open and real, we didn't know exactly what to expect. It went very well overall, yet there were a few tiny things that needed to be talked about and resolved. Keeping in mind that nothing is "perfect", our goals were met and we enjoyed spending a long weekend together as a family. We had some down time and relaxed. Bedtimes were met and so were getting up times. I can't remember the last time that happened when we were under the same roof.

If I could answer why everything went so smoothly, I would have to say that his time away (15 months) has had a lot to do with it. We also work very hard each week with our family therapist on Skype calls and writing letters back and forth with our son. His treatment assignments have been completed and it's one step at a time! As we headed to the Oakland International Airport for his return flight to Salt Lake City, Utah we talked about the fun we had and were truly sorry to see it come to an end. I am so proud of my son and his growth and progress. It is truly a "Journey" with a capital "J" and I am very happy to share it with you the reader! I will keep you posted with more news ahead!

Keeping the faith....


I am,

WARRIOR MOM

As parents we are supposed to care for our kids. We are supposed to teach our kids right from wrong. And we are supposed to be good role models for them in life. Even if all those things are true, as parents we still may need to rely on others for support and strength.

Here is a list of some of the ways I have gotten support during the past year, while my son has been in Wilderness Therapy and at his current placement, an RTC (Residential Treatment Center) in Utah. I will add other resourses to this post in the future. I would love to hear from fellow parents! Please chime in below, in the Comment Section ​because it does "take a village"!
What are your lifelines and support systems?

1. Therapist - A parent needs someone to talk to who is unrelated to the day to day drama we face when our kids are struggling. A good therapist is trained to help parents navigate all the ups and downs we feel when we can't "fix things" for our teenagers and when life's challenges are too much to bare. Yes, your kid may need help but it starts with you! Find a good therapist.

2. Education Consultant - Here is another major player in the puzzle of helping your struggling teen. Ed Consultants know all the programs that are available out there. They have visited many of them and keep connected with the staff and administrations of Wilderness Programs, Therapeutic Boarding Schools (TBS), Residential Treatment Centers (RTC), Step Downs and Young Adult (18-26 yrs) Programs. A parent just can not make important decisions without the guidance and expertise of an Ed Consultant. It is important to note that judging a program based on their website alone, is not wise. A talented graphic web designer can make a program's website look beautiful, but the staff and location is what makes your child's placement a good fit. The Education Consultant will cost you on the front end of the process, but they are essential at all stages of your journey. A must-have component on your team!

3. Local Meet-Up Parent Support Group - For some folks, this may come in the form of a local Al-Anon group meeting (which I have attended). You can google to see what's available in your area and find out times and locations for those meetings. For me however, I found that a more specifically directed group for parents of kids in Wilderness, TBS and RTCs was just what I needed. There is a local group in the San Francisco Bay Area is called WILLOWS IN THE WIND. They have an additional new meeting location in Broomfield, CO as well. Willows in the Wind is a 501(c)3 non-profit that supports parents and families who are looking for more information of what's out there in the way of help or currently have teens and young adults in treatment programs. They have three Bay Area meeting locations: Oakland, Los Altos Hills and San Rafael, CA. Visit their website for more information. It is a safe place with lots of support for parents of troubled teens! 

4. Berkeley Parents Network - BPN is a non-profit online forum for parents who live in the SF Bay Area. Members share advice with other parents about all sorts of topics including parenting, schools, health, career, relationships, travel, and local businesses and services. It has been helpful to me for gathering information and links to other resources, especially when info may be difficult to find. (It is how I found Willows in the Wind!) It is not necessary for you to live in the SF Bay Area to use the website. Many of the posts are older, from the past few years, but it can still be helpful to read those posts on the related topics of Wilderness, Ed Consultants and RTCs for a perspective on how others have handled different problems and their personal situations.

5. W.A.B. Connect Wilderness And Beyond - WAB is an emotional support group with a new website and a weekly parent participation phone call. It began in 2017 by two sets of families who wanted to share their experiences of what therapeutic wilderness was like for them, as well as what follows, with other parents by forming connections. The individual stories may be different but it is very powerful to hear from others going through similar situations, including their wins and set-backs. Weekly call topics and notes as well as a blog are on the website. This awesome group of parents will prove to you that you are NOT alone. It provides a safe place to share, listen and learn from others with adolescents and young adult children at every stage of treatment.

6. Letter Writing - Every week my son writes us a letter. These letters are part of the therapy assignments in Wilderness and at the RTC. It has become such an important weekly connection for us and we truly look forward to receiving the email version of his handwritten letter at the beginning of the week. We answer him back, usually on Thursdays with a typed letter that we send to his therapist, who prints it out on the other end to give to him. Our son's letters are not very long and his penmanship is rather sloppy and rushed, but we've encouraged him to add more content in the letters to create a back and forth dialog. We put a lot of thought and effort into our replies to his letters. Sometimes we keep it light, but the letters are always encouraging and positive. I have saved a copy of all the letters and plan to put them into a three ring binder to save for posterity. Letter writing has become such a lost art in communication these days. I treasure the chance to re-read each one and actually hold that piece of paper in my hand. Yes, it's old fashioned but it has a value that can not be underestimated. It becomes something to look forward to, rather than the quick rewards of the instant gratification of texting or phone calls. One could even say it builds character.

7. Blogging - I don't know what I would have done this past year, if I hadn't started writing this blog. It has been a highlight of the challenging (yet full of growth) year we've had. I feel good after each time I hit "publish". I've learned so much about myself and realize how fortunate I am to have so many family members and friends let me know that they have read what I've written. I know some of you have not gone through many of the experiences that my family has, but you continue to show me how much you care and are rooting for us at every turn. I also love receiving comments from all of you after I publish my posts. It is a rather public forum, but I know my sharing has helped others. I have spoken to many of you on the phone. I've walked and talked with a few of you. I have had coffee and met some of you in person. I plan to continue to blog because it has become an essential release for my feelings and emotions.

Bonus tip: (For those who are not in the position to blog, keep a journal...same idea, and a bit more private! Get your thoughts out of your head and write them down! Try it, you'll like it!)

8. Self-Care - This is an important one! Exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep will allow you to function at a higher level when stress and worry take over your whole being. It can be a simple walk. I have enjoyed swimming, tennis and pickle ball. Others might prefer yoga and meditation. Whatever you choose, do it regularly and if possible daily! As parents we will not be able to offer anything to our kid's treatment program if we are unable to get out of bed and are stuck in a frozen state. It might not be easy, but do one thing per day. Put it on the calendar or call a friend and make a firm date to do something you enjoy. It will allow you to come back to the riggers of parenting while your kid is in treatment!

9. Connections - Without connections, a support system can not work. Everyday I meet people who may not know my family's story and when I have a chance to build a new or stronger connection, I am lifted up by the openness and kindness I receive. I have shared with grocery checkers at my local Safeway. I have shared with other parents and lots of friends who are too shy to ask. I try to be appropriate and not "over share", but that's what's great about having connections first, the realization that everyone's got something they struggle with. And you don't know what someone else is going through, if they don't tell you. So be brave: connect. Then share, then breathe, then let go. Take it slowly. One step at a time. One day at a time. Whatever it is that you are going through, you are not alone. And you can get through it!

10. Books - There are so many good ones. Here's one that I have read and got a lot out of it and was also recommended by a Mom from Oakland, CA:  The Parallel Process-Growing Along Side Your Adolescent or Young Adult in Treatment by Krissy Pozatek.  

I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better: Six Practical Principles that Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships by Gary and Joy Lundberg

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers - The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary Chapman

Are there other books that have helped you? Please let me know and I can add them to the list! Thanks!

Feeling at peace and full of gratitude for my support systems,

WARRIOR MOM

Happy Birthday! Those words mean a lot for anyone celebrating a birthday. They are even more special to a teenager who is in treatment away from home. How could we make our son's 17th birthday one to remember? We headed to Utah, of course! Part of his therapy includes regular visits from us every four to six weeks. We use the trips as a way to keep working on our relationships with each other.

However, this visit does NOT include our son staying in the hotel with us. He leveled "down" last month after not meeting a deadline for a Level 3 therapy assignment. He had plenty of fair warning, but couldn't quite get it done. As his consequence, the treatment team dropped his Level back to a 1. He has been trying to earn his Level 3 since then and when he does get it, he will skip over Level 2 and go straight up to 3. He's not far from that goal, but as I've written in the past, time is all relative. It's up to him!

Overall, he is doing very well, and he has taken a few minor detours on his overall path, which is to be expected. We arrived the morning of his 17th birthday and he was very happy to see us. He was smiling widely, enough for us to notice he got his retainer with the two attached teeth, back in place! Wow, that only took six months! He looked so handsome and was very confident in his new smile! Again! This was the fourth retainer in a year full of "retainer drama"! This one will not come out of his mouth by accident because it was glued in place by the orthodontist. Yes, the last one was too, but when that one loosened up and came out, he lost it. Another painful lesson learned. And expensive to boot since they cost $700 a pop.

We were also greeted by our son's therapist at the Ranch who came in on her day off just to see us and say "Hello". It was so nice of her to do that! We are all lucky to have her on our team! She gave our son a ribbon to wear for the day that said, "Happy Birthday". It was just enough of an embarrassment that it became a badge of honor and fun in every sense.

One of the first remarks out of our son's mouth was that he spent his entire 16th year in treatment; first in wilderness and then at the RTC (residential treatment center). Not being with him on his special day last year was difficult with a twinge of guilt, to be honest. He did receive a cake from the staff at wilderness and was made to feel special, but it wasn't quite the same. We were able to send a card,and tried to keep it light and humorous. This year being with him in person was our gift to him! What a TREAT and an accomplishment rolled into one!

We had some fun activities planned for his 17th birthday. We began by driving up to the Sundance Mountain Resort to go zip-lining! It was going to be a blast! He seemed very happy to hear about our plans. The Sundance ZipTour is one of the most exciting and scenic zip tours in the world, boasting over 2,100 feet of vertical drop — the most of any zip line tour in the United States. Guests can ride side-by-side on the zip line’s double cables and control their speed, cruising over 65 miles per hour, or stopping mid-air to take in the views. Yes, we all did this together! Now we have zip line experiences from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico Asheville, North Carolina, Jackson, Wyoming and now Sundance, Utah under our belts! Where to next?

We returned from our third Parent Days event with a new understanding about time, yet again. Among the parents whose kids have been at the Ranch from eight to ten months, there was a common frustration. In most cases that struggle revolved around time. Many of our kids, mine included are taking the slow road, stalling along the way during their treatment. This therapy stuff is exhausting and it takes a LONG time. But why?

It's comfortable to remain the same. It's uncomfortable to make change. And we are dealing with teen-age boys who look and deal with time differently than we do. The saying "Time is money" is very true for those who are paying a fortune trying to help their kids by sending them to Wilderness, Therapeutic Boarding Schools and Residential Treatment Centers. This cost doesn't even include the hours of previous therapy with doctors, counselors and psychiatrists back at home. 

It was explained to us at Parent Days that change also has very little to do with cause and effect. If the bait is dangled to move to a higher level for more rewards, doesn't it seem easy to just follow that path and make it happen? Not always. Whether it involves a young brain trying to develop or a kid with ADHD or other social emotional issues, when one is struggling, then some things just take a while. As parents we want to see results, and yet it's probably not going to speed up just because we've put everything in place and paid the money.

Why do I keep coming back to this topic of time and motivation? Can one really motivate someone who isn't self-motivated? Does external motivation work? Or does it have to be personal and internal? Very good questions, and yet its obvious that being outcome based is not going to make things move any quicker. Being encouraging and understanding doesn't change the speed of results either, though we think it should. The simple truth is that it is what it is. I will say it again: "It is what it is".

So once again, after feeling positive about how things are going with my son, I can easily go to a darker place of frustration and maybe even disappointment that it's taking so long. But change isn't easy and it won't happen just because we attach it to a date on the calendar. Time is relative. As we get older, it goes by a lot quicker. For the teens in today's world, they have their futures ahead of them, but time is such a vague concept to grasp.

So for this blog post, I am going to give myself a reality pep talk. You can listen in if you like: "Okay Warrior Mom, here's the plan:  Express your frustration! Take it out by hitting a tennis ball over the net! Sing along really loudly to a song on the radio! Watch America Ninja Warrior on TV and think you could have done better than those athletes! And after that, get back to business. Be satisfied that you have done everything in your power already. Be confident that you are doing the right thing. Be open with others about what's happening. And then be present and accepting. Time is all relative. It is what it is!"

I will stay strong,

​WARRIOR MOM

Our family is about to have an anniversary. This is not your average celebration, in fact it's more of a milestone involving a series of acts of courage, bravery and change. In just a matter of days, on June 29th, it will be exactly one year since we sent our son (then 15 1/2 years old) to a Wilderness Therapy Program in Idaho. He did not know about it in advance. We hired a transport service to take him there. The boys in wilderness call it "being gooned." We called it surreal and unthinkable. How could we send our son away?

As we look back, we can honestly say, without hesitation, we did it to SAVE his life! It took all the courage we could muster and then some. We have met many other brave parents who have done the same. Like us, many of them also faced scrutiny and criticism from family and friends.

"I couldn't do that", was one of many comments we heard. My reply is that until you walk in someone's shoes, how do you know? We tried everything first before finally making one of the most difficult decisions we have ever faced. Yet, we did it. 

One year later, what have we learned? What has changed? How do we feel?

1) We told people about our situation. We didn't hide what happened and became vulnerable in accepting the help from professionals. And as we opened up, the people around us began to understand. Some even said they now realize they should have sent their own teenagers to wilderness and beyond. 

2) We found that we were not alone! We are part of a "club" of parents/families that we never thought we would be a part of! We met those parents/families at our wilderness retreat. We met them at the RTC (residential treatment center) after wilderness. We met them in our own community. They are out there and the numbers are increasing in our society. Anxiety, depression, digital addition, drugs and alcohol are just some of the many reasons why some of our kids are in trouble.

Here is a conversation we've had multiple times.
"Is your son at the local high school?" they would ask.
"No, he's in Utah."
"Oh, Utah.....hmmm" (BTW, it's sort of a code word - because so many of the programs are located there)
"My kid was in a program in Utah."
"Did they go to wilderness first?"
"Yes, they went to ______________". (fill in the blank: Hawaii, Vermont, Utah, Oregon, Montana).
"How long were they away?"
This one is a multiple choice answer: A) One year  B) 16 months  C) 2 years D) My kid is still in treatment and we don't know when he/she is coming home.
"How did you pay for it?"
This answer is also a multiple choice: A) Used the college fund B) Re-financed the house
C) "I can't say." (Another code for a school district paying for placement but with a NDA - non disclosure agreement in place, sort of like HUSH MONEY). D) I have no idea! 

Once the info was spilled, we found out how common our situation has become. If you don't know a family experiencing these tough times, then you don't get out much! We have talked to many folks in various stages of this experience. All I can say is that help is out there. Get an Education Consultant! Get a therapist! Get to a support group! Don't be ashamed, you can do it! Help your kid, help your self and your family NOW!

3) We slowly built our family relationships back. We have visited our son practically every month since last June, strike July, January and March. We have participated in weekly Skype calls with our son and his therapist. We have all written letters and by now that total is close to fifty or so (from each side). How many of you reading have received fifty handwritten letters from your kids? (A nice advantage of treatment). We would like to think letter writing would continue without it being a mandatory assignment, but we are realistic that it probably won't. I know that I will not stop writing. It's very therapeutic. This blog is so important in my process!

4) We got our son back. No, he's not "fixed". He is still a 16 year old. He's still a boy. He still doesn't always see eye to eye with his parents. Sure that's "normal" stuff, but in our case, the good news is that for now, our son is free from electronics, free from drugs and alcohol. He exercises every day. He wakes up at seven am on weekdays. He participates in all kinds of therapy: equine, ropes, adoption group, intervention and social skills group. There are so many ways for him to work on himself. Opening up is not easy for him, but he knows that's what he has to do to move forward.  He is happy and that counts for a lot! One step at a time. It's not a race.

5) We feel empowered. We are not perfect parents. We still make mistakes in some of the interactions with our son. But, the biggest difference is that we have re-established that we are the parents and he is the child. We have more boundaries in place. And not the kind that you may remember from a tough disciplinarian parent who said, "My way or the highway!"  We try to be kind. We are trying to be better listeners. We pick better words in our comments and conversations. The result is that we are no longer afraid. We have our strength back. We have learned some valuable lessons in the past year. Yes, we have cried our share of tears. We have talked and talked about what we could have done differently. We also know that beating ourselves up isn't the answer either. We are patient and take a lot of deep breaths. We are present and continue to work on ourselves in a parallel process.

6) We have put our focus on our own self care. It's just like they say when you are on an airplane. When the oxygen mask drops down, put yours on first, then take care of others around you. What kind of things have we done? Swimming, walking, blogging, pickle ball, tennis, baking, going to movies and watching silly TV shows. We have called friends and family and shared with others. We have gardened and fixed things in our house. We have struggled some, too. We take a step forward, maybe a couple backwards, then forward again. This road is not a straight path. We call it a journey and it's not predictable. It's real life. And we keep breathing.

7) We try to take one day at a time. We try to live in the present. We try not to worry about cost and expenses (and believe you me, it's not cheap, but we are trying to make it work). We have acceptance. We practice positive thinking and positive self talk. We rely on the positive people around us and discard the negative. There is little room for that. We are grateful for our lives. We are so very lucky. We have come so far. We know the best is yet to come. Yes, we will stumble. But we will pick ourselves up and keep going. Because we CAN!
​
Here's to making it through ONE YEAR in our new "skins"! The reality is that we terribly miss our son not being at home. We still need time to get to that next step right. We will not give up!

I AM, 
WARRIOR MOM

We took another trip back to Utah, this time with Moab as our destination which included Arches National Park and Canyonlands National Park. We picked our son up early Friday morning with the intention of having a therapeutic family trip. It turned into so much more than we expected: filled with magnificent beauty and many difficult conversations. Our 16 1/2 year old is back at Level 2 and we were all excited for him to be in the hotel with us again! The last time he stayed overnight with us was back at Christmas time in Salt Lake City. It had been a while!

Our first stop was shopping for shorts. The weather is beginning to warm up at the Ranch, so our son requested that we buy him some shorts. Most of the boys wear them during school hours, so we got permission to add that activity to our contract and list of things to do and goals. We all have to agree to the rules for being off campus: no cell phone use, we have to be together at all times, no use of money, no R rated movies, no highly caffeinated drinks, etc. 

The store didn't have the biggest selection of brands and styles and that has become important to our son, surprisingly. We went back and forth and finally decided on a couple of pair. The tug of war began between us, but we talked about it openly and then hit the road for our three hour plus trip. We stopped for food and our son had signs of more resistance to choices before he settled on a box of fried chicken for lunch. I point this out because looking back we can see how innocently it started but by the end of the weekend, we had more power struggles regarding food and portions. Some old habits and "hot" button topics showed up during our weekend.

We had a picnic lunch along the shores of the Green River and it was a perfect temperature outside. We talked about what was new. It was fun just to be together again. Our trips back to Utah have been about five to seven weeks apart and honestly it's not easy being so far away from our son. We looked at the map of where we were heading and checked out the John W. Powell History Museum and then hit the road on to Moab.

One agreement we had was for our son to bring his homework and therapy assignments along  on the trip, to work on them during the weekend. But time management is not his strong suit and with some prompting he did get a little work done. My personal level of frustration started to rise each day as he began to make excuses for not doing the work. We ended each day with better family meetings than we previously had during past visits, which took some of the edge off. But there was still a power struggle lying underneath it all. We set it up that he was going to lead the meetings and not just "phone it in" as they say. We succeeded in that department.

We arrived at Moab late Friday afternoon and checked into the hotel. It had a nice pool and a good location so we were very happy. We decided to put our hiking shoes on and explore Arches. First stop was "Park Avenue" and then onto "Delicate Arch". Our son was a champ for carrying all of our water bottles in his backpack. We did more talking and then the topic of school came up. We went over past issues with his education and the conversation became quite difficult. He admitted to not having the right mind set for learning as a freshman, which led to more discussion of what worked and what didn't work last year. We listened and learned and even though we disagreed, we talked it out. That was the biggest take-away. Yet, something remained unresolved for him.

We went to the movies on Saturday night to see The Avengers. Not my favorite film choice, but we did enjoy it. Our son really liked it. It brought home the point that we are all different, including taste in movies and our journeys are different as well.  We went swimming at the hotel pool. We ate ice cream in town. And we continued to talk. We never lost sight of the fact that we are trying to re-build our relationships. There were tough moments. There were hard conversations. Sunday turned out to be our biggest challenge.

We were tired. We had hiked and hiked. We had talked and talked. I challenge any family to do what we had done and have them be smiley and peachy keen as a group. But Sunday was a arduous day. We decided to drive through Canyonlands National Park instead of hiking and found ourselves on the end of his silent treatment without understanding exactly why. This was an old pattern and one that I never hoped to endure again. Our son wanted a few more pair of shorts and he wanted to head north to the Lehi outlet mall instead of enjoying more of the beautiful Utah dessert. We didn't pick up on his desires until late in the day. We probably should have just headed back to the Ranch, but no we continued to prompt him, which led to more power struggles and more one or two word answers to our questions.

Later at dinner we talked about what was really going on. If he didn't get his way, then we had to pay for it with his silence. It was deja vu all over again. We had experienced the son we had from a year ago. The good news is that his therapist said that was the best case scenario for our weekend. Why not go through some difficulties while still in a safe environment and there was a support system in place? It was not easy, but there were silver linings after all. We talked. We didn't yell. We were able to disagree and listen to each other's points of view. And finally, with the therapist's help, we validated each other's feelings without having to agree with the viewpoints. It was a great trip from that stand point. We were actually getting to real feelings, not just going through the motions. Our son was the most like he had been at home and that allowed us to practice new methods, even after the fact. After the trip we wrote letters separately to each other pin-pointing moments that worked and others that hadn't. We continued working on things in our Skype therapy call last week as well. I am aware I am still processing it and have ups and downs in dealing with the feelings. As they say at the Ranch, "The Strength is in the Struggle".

It was a good weekend. We didn't see eye to eye all the time. We talked about our differences. It was done in the safety net of treatment. We are lucky to have help navigating our relationships. We will never forget the beauty of Moab and the beauty of communicating.  See you next month son!

Keeping the Faith!

WARRIOR MOM

When we were looking at places for our son to go after Wilderness, one of the appealing aspects of the treatment center we chose was their Cross Country 5K Running Team. From our point of view as parents who participated in athletics as kids ourselves, this was a big draw to the RTC/School we chose. Most of the boys at the Ranch are on the "team" and it provides a positive activity to do as a group, and also a focus on one's own individual goals, strengths and challenges. The unknown was if our son would be interested in taking a risk and trying it out!  He was not a typical "sports" kid while growing up.

We were pleasantly surprised when he approached us about buying him the team uniform, a few months ago. We asked about his commitment level and if he really planned to follow through with it! He responded with a big, "YES". (Thank goodness for positive peer pressure!)
"Okay, let's give it a try!" we replied, keeping our fingers crossed. We didn't want to show too much excitement in order to avoid jinxing it! 
The team holds one on campus practice a week, followed by three to four days of off campus running and drills. In order for our son to get the most from the team, he had to earn his Level 2 back.

I am happy to report that after almost four full months, he regained his Level 2 in April! Besides going to the Music Room to listen to music for enjoyment, getting an extra hour of free time daily and the ability to stay in a hotel with us on future visits, a real biggie was about to occur! He entered an actual RACE and finished! And now has TWO races under his belt. One took place in Salt Lake City and the other in Provo, UT a few weeks later. His therapist sent us pictures of our son at the finish line (via text) and we were thrilled and amazed! What an achievement for a kid who hasn't done a lot in the way of sports. What a victory for him to try something new! What a great way to start believing in one's self. And who knew? but he's a pretty fast runner too!

The boys on the team have been told by the coach and others at the Ranch that the 5K runners have a high success rate of staying clean and sober when they leave the RTC. Our son repeated that stat to us more than once in our recent Skype therapy calls. Step one for him is to believe it himself. He now runs regularly, which produces endorphins for his body! The exercise he is getting will start to feel good to him, inside and out! It's just a matter of time!

On race days, the boys get up very early to reach the start line by 7am. For the race in Salt Lake City, they arrived just in time for the start, but didn't have time for their normal stretching. It all worked out and the sweat on his brow was "glowing" in the photo we saw. Another side benefit was the smile on his face that is now a common facial expression of a boy who was in a dark, sullen and reclusive environment just a year ago. It's been a transformation and renewal of a whole body, spirit and soul. We are so proud of his participating and of his many self-improvements. Yes, there is always more work to be done, but don't discount what positive change has already come to him! He is at Level Two, working towards his Three. He shared that he likes the feeling when he's done with a race. He is in a new place! In fact he is "Ready to Run" just like in the Dixie Chicks song! I am very happy to report this exciting news to all the readers of this blog! Stay tuned for more! We are heading to Utah this week and for an adventure in MOAB and the beautiful desert! Until next time......

Peace,

​WARRIOR MOM

It was a whirlwind couple of days in Utah visiting our son at the RTC. He has now been there six months. When I get a little down about not having him at home, I think of all the fun he  says he's having and I feel much better. He is a real trooper and has gotten on board with working on "himself" in treatment. Our visits are important because they are another step in his progress towards returning home. Time allows us to repair our relationships, after some difficult years when he admittedly "pushed us away". By the way, those are his words!

​Our son was close to getting his Level 2 back, but it did not happen for this visit. Our days were spent together off campus from 9 am-9pm on Saturday and Sunday. We also had a few precious hours on our arrival day, Friday by going to an early Pizza dinner and making a few family phone calls.

Our time together was special. We ate some good food: Texas Roadhouse BBQ, Italian food at Oregano and a huge breakfast at the Black Bear Diner. We saw some good movies: "Ready Player One", "The Greatest Showman" and "A Wrinkle in Time". We talked about the themes in each of them and how the films affected us. Our sixteen year old liked the movie about video games the best ("Ready Player One"), which was not a surprise. I really liked "The Greatest Showman", a musical about PT Barnum that had themes of inclusion and perseverance. My partner liked "A Wrinkle in Time" which made her very emotional after seeing it. "Love" was at the center of that movie. Funny how we project many things going on in our lives onto the movies we watch. There are universal languages in film.

Besides eating and watching movies, we also got a lot of exercise. One of our favorite hang-outs is the Provo Rec Center. We obtained a Day Pass for the three of us which cost a whopping total of $12! We ran together, swam and played pickleball. Our son led us in some weight room activities, too. It was just the perfect day for it, since the rain was pelting outside of the gym. This time we remembered to bring our own towels!

We also took a couple of fun hikes on trails we just happened upon: Box Canyon and some other trails on the way to Sundance. It gave us an opportunity to talk about some of our son's past behaviors and get filled in on missing information from those non-communicative times in our past. We also talked about the future and what we "saw" happening in our lives together. We listened and learned more about each other. One thing that our son shared was how much he really liked going to "Wilderness". He said he liked everything about it!

We enjoyed our time spent together. No, it's not perfect. It still seemed like "pulling teeth" in some of conversations. Yet on the positive side, it was amazing to watch our son actually do homework in the back seat of the car as we drove around the Provo area. We loved looking at the houses in the different neighborhoods. We walked around the campus at BYU (Brigham Young University). We even found Donny Osmond's street! Our son asked, "Who is Donny Osmond?" There is no short answer!

We also added a couple of things to the activity list that were new and unexpected: a visit to the Springville Art Museum was one of them. It was awesome with its many different galleries and exhibits. One that stood out, was the whimsical and socially charged gallery. Our son came alive when he viewed the many cool pieces of art by students and young people who stood up to old beliefs and negative times.

We also enjoyed checking out the Springville Library on the main street nearby. It was rather new, spacious and filled with lots of great seating and reading spaces. The exterior had a cool dome as part of its architecture. We had some fun experiencing new things as a family. As I've always said, "We vacation very well together". A big step in our future will be how we translate that back into an everyday life. We aren't rushing there quite yet. All in due time. One step at a time. One day at a time. One visit at a time.

My son's "Spring Break" was at the traditional time on the calendar, but the length was a shortened version of the typical mainstream school week long break. At his Residential Treatment Center, they give the boys two days off, plus the weekend. We arrived on Thursday afternoon and left very early Monday morning to catch a flight back to the San Francisco Bay Area in California.

We started his "break" by participating in our weekly therapy session and with something called "Sand Therapy". Who knew it would be so fun? We were lead to one of the main houses, where a group of boys reside, into a back room. We were given the instructions to build a scene in the standing sand box. Along the walls of this room were shelves filled with all sorts of toys figurines and "doll house" types of objects. There were fences and army men, and Smurf  and other well known characters, as well as small houses and plenty of animals. We had five minutes to create a scene of what it was like before our son went away to treatment.

We each got to work, selecting pieces off the shelves to "tell our own version of the story". Each scene was very different and creative. When we finished, each of us described what our sand scene was all about. We then asked each other questions, which opened up an honest and meaningful discussion about this difficult time in all of our lives.

My son's "creation" was very symbolic and genuine. He chose a Rubik's cube to represent himself.  The cube had been turned and pivoted many times, so none of the sides had matching colors, and it was completely mixed up (perfect symbolism of his state of mind and being then). The cube was placed on a mound of sand with plastic horse corral fences positioned around it. Our figurines were sitting way down the path, far away from the Rubik's cube . He used a gentle Smurf character to represent me, while my partner was a giant insect with a small group of Army men in front of her. Appropriate? Perhaps not, but it told our story of chaos and disagreement.

The next part of the assignment was to create a NEW scene of how we would all like to see things, when it's time for our son to come home. (We have no idea when this will be). We put back the original pieces and quickly gathered different symbols for our new scenes.

We could see a common thread among them. There was a hope and joy focus on being together in all of our sand scenes. I used three horses next to a tie up post that could tether us jointly, with a cheerleader behind us and lots of new adventures in front of us. My son's scene had three little plastic people figures under a house. We were all facing each other. A Wonderful idea! And outside of the house was a car heading up a road towards a positive future. My partner had a equally powerful scene filled with super heroes and a common goal of sharing. Again we talked and laughed and shared our feelings and thoughts. 

We just had our 16 1/2 year old son's six month review with the residential treatment center (RTC) where he has been since the end of September. Overall it was good. Progress is being made, even if it is slow at times. He is making friends and his peers enjoy him and his sense of humor. He is respectful to others and he follows the staff's prompts when given. He might even be described as one of the "chill" kids at the Ranch (I've been told that's good). He is participating in his many assigned therapy sessions: Social Skills, Processing, DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), Intervention, Drug and Alcohol, Ropes Therapy, Equine Therapy, and Adoption Group. Those meetings take place over the course of four days in his week and the rest of his time is filled with PE, his new Cross Country 5K team practices, daily chores, his latest job as "Chores Assistant Manager", study time, school and meals. Whew! Sounds exhausting, right?

He has shared with us that he has at least one thing per day that he looks forward to. He writes us weekly letters (they are obligatory), writes in a daily journal (also obligatory), does his own laundry, including changing the bed sheets on Saturdays! We have a weekly Skype therapy call with him and his therapist. He has begun to keep a small piece of paper in his pocket with some "TO DO" items that he has written on it. Progress! 

He is taking baby steps towards re-establishing his Level 2 by fulfilling requirements of "having meaningful conversations" with staff and getting signatures toward that goal. By taking a look back at the paragraphs above, one might think "I couldn't do that". You might be right! Making changes in ourselves can be uncomfortable. We may move the needle on the ticker only slightly, but it is moving. Most of us would respond in a positive manner to some type of external motivation. My son has always been a challenge in that department.

I remember when he was little, I read that if you offer kids "stickers" for cleaning their room then a parent will see success with that chore. Nope, didn't happen. At a time when money might seem like a motivator, I offered matching funds for whatever he put into his savings account at the bank. Nope, later I discovered that he drained that bank account without my knowledge. We tried good ole fashioned bribery. Nope. If you do this, then that "good thing that you like" will happen. Nope. Nothing we could connect as a "carrot" was enough. It was frustrating and head scratching! I even had years of experience working with kids (granted, they weren't my own!) as a sport coach to draw from. Not much worked.

Well that motivation piece stands out today as one of the continuing goals at the RTC. He knows that when he gets back to Level 2, he will get his permanent retainer back in his mouth-the one with the teeth on it. He will also get to participate in additional Cross Country practices OFF campus. He will get to do what they call "Short Trips" into town to get a burger or ice cream. He will get to go to the Music Room to listen to music or learn to play an instrument , and he will be allowed to have some FREE TIME. He knows all of this, yet he is on his own time clock in getting things done.

So, we tried a different approach this week. We let go. Our weekly letter to him was loosely based on a blog post I read from an awesome website/blog I recommend called: Hands Free Mama by Rachel Stafford. The message was simple. We love you today. We are proud of you and how you are handling your current environment and surroundings. We told him that he shouldn't take our continual encouragements as our disappointment with him, but use them as a reminder of what awesome possibilities he has inside of him! We wrote that we know he will contribute his many gifts to the world!

We will visit him next week for his "two day" Spring Break recess. We have no idea if he will be a Level 1 or 2. We have no idea if we will stay close-by to the Ranch for daily visits (from 9am-9pm) or if we will visit some of the amazing National Parks, like MOAB in Utah. We know for today that we will get another chance to be with him! We will have fun together as a family, sharing time and conversation and delicious meals. We also know that his level advancement will come in due time. His retainer WILL happen. He will DO school, whatever the form of completiton happens to be. It's all good. And at the same time, he IS growing up!

​His motivation will most likely be internal. He may focus on details, or he may not. The journey is his. Ours may be parallel, but it is different. We can not become solely outcome based! We need to enjoy the progress we have all experienced and recognize that we have an awesome son! We love him TODAY! He is beginning to believe in himself and that is worth celebrating!

PEACE,
WARRIOR MOM